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Thursday, May 22
I've been feeling totally blahhh lately. I'm noticing myself loosing my patience really fast. Especially on the road. I spend too much time driving. If the light rail went all the way out here to where we lived, I'd kick it on that, and cruise into work stress free!! Maybe drive in if I had things to do at lunch or whatever. But damn. People are straight loosing there minds out there. Now with summer coming and the weather getting hot, people really trip.
Took me a extra hour to get home last night, and get this, an hour to go EIGHT MILES!. The freeway was closed, due to a fatal shooting on the freeway a hour or so prior to all the commuters coming home. Total chaos. So what should have only been a hour ride home, turned into a little over two hours. They still aren't sure if it was gang related or road rage. Kinda scared me to think it could have been road rage, and what IF that was me. I get really angry out there. I try and not show it to the other drivers, but sometimes the things people do get so old. Not to mention completely frustrating. Day after day the same shit. I've been trying to realize when I'm beginning to loose it, and calm down. It's so hard sometimes. But getting shot isn't worth it.
It's kinda funny, how I've been feeling a little low lately. Not too bad, just well, like I said before, "blahhh". But the last few days a couple of friends told me some things that really made me feel good. Words that I take to heart. I don't let myself become friends with many people. Too afraid of getting fucked over, then I hold onto the hate. It's happened too many times. But these people sure made me think that I should wake up and appreciate myself like they appreciate me. It's hard. Growing up and having one of your parents constantly tell you how fat and ugly you are, you kinda start to belive that you suck, and don't take complements very well. Or sometimes accept them at all. I have a real hard time believing what people tell me. My husband told me just the other night, "I still can't believe I'm married to you". I just shook my head and said..."yeah......riiggghhhtttt", with a giggle after. And the whole time thinking, "yeah ok what do you want? cuz we all know you'd rather have a million other women but me". Sucks. I don't like thinking like that. But I can't for the life of me stop. I don't know how. It's really beginning to get to me. I truely think that's what's going on inside me. I want to be happy, and love myself. But I can't. I never feel worthy of anything. I feel my husband just feels like he's "stuck" in this relationship for some reason. Like if he had a chance, he'd be gone in a heart beat. I never call any of my friends hardly because I think "I don't want to bother them, if they wanted to talk to me, they would call". But after thinking about it today, I know people love me for who I am. One of those people that said such awesome things to me, has never even met me in person. We met via internet, and have talked for over two years. This person is special, and her words mean a lot to me. She knows who she is, and to you friend, I LOVE YOU. I'm gonna start trying to look on the bright side of things, and try and learn to love ME, then maybe being happy about other shit will be a tad easier!!!
Wednesday, May 21
Ya know, as I drive in to work each day, I notice a lot of stuff out in this world and I just don't get it. Today for instance I'm driving along and this little Dodge truck swoops in front of me, and on the back in huge letters it says "Cowgirl Up". I've seen the Cowboy Up ones as well. I don't get it. What does that mean? Cowboy Up? That has to be the most retarded sayings ever. The cowboy ones usually have that bowlegged dude on it too which is even worse. But seriously, what the HELL?
Next thing that drives me bonkers as I'm driving around, are license plate frames. I spotted one the other day, this chick was driving and the license plate frame said "my other ride is your boyfriend". Well now. Is that so? Ha ha. Dang. Then theres the famous "Always Late but worth the wait" ....or "You can call me Princess".....fucking HATE those things.....for pete sake people knock it off. Just get yourself a simple Oakland Raiders one and call it a day shall we? Sheesh. Speaking of the Raiders...football season is a comin' up. YAY.
I have spring fever so bad. I could think of a million other things to be out doing besides being stuck in this office all day. It's cool though got a three day weekend this weekend, so I can hang. Love having Mondays off!!
Tuesday, May 20
Well it took long enough. But here's a pic of my new doggy. I'll get some more of him soon......
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