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Thursday, June 12
I feel better after venting the other day. Sometimes I just gotta let it out. I know I can't have a sugar coated perfect little family life, and that's not by any means what I want. But DAMN. Oh well. Guess it's what gives me my character heh? haha....yeah ok.
Anyhoo...watched Monster Garage the other night again. I haven't for a few weeks. I kept forgetting all about it. Or remembered it was on too late and missed it. They were showing rerun's anyway, so no biggie. But this last show was the start of the new run of shows. They took a 1968 Ford Bronco and turned it into a "Rock Crawler". It turned out pretty cool.
I gave American Chopper another chance too. And ya know, it's not all that bad after all. Once you get passed the fathers constant bitching, and just watch them, they put together some pretty awesome bikes. This episode was really good, they put together a "Fire Bike". It looked like a Firetruck. Had lights, a siren, the works. Turned out totally awesome!! They had this guy do some gold leaf artwork on the bike, I guess it's not done too much anywhere these days, and man this guy kicked some major ass on the whole art work in general. This picture doesn't give it justice at all. A little gaudy for everyday yes, but they dedicated this one to 9/11 basically and had a ceremony at a local firehouse. It was pretty cool. They welded a piece of the World Trade Center to the gas tank. It got a little emotional. Yep, very cool bike indeed!!!
picture courtesy of www.discoverychannel.com
Wednesday, June 11
I'm in a slump. I hate this coming holiday. I shouldn't I know....but I do. It's fake to me.
Father's Day. Yeah whatever. Wish I had someone that I was proud of so that day would have more meaning. But...I don't and that's that. I'm the one that is choosing to be this way. For me it sort of protects me from let down. Something I should be used to. Every year I get a funny ha ha card, because all the sappy "your the greatest father ever" cards are big fat lies. I just won't go there for his sake. Like just get a sappy heartfelt card just to make him feel good. Oh hell no. Ain't going there. Ever.
One might ask, "how can you have so much hate for a parent like that?" Well it's easy. It's called living with an verbally and sometimes physically abusive alcoholic asshole for 18 years. Not too many days after my 18th birthday, I walked out of that house, slammed the door and never looked back. It's from living from day to day wondering how the night would turn out. Would the yelling ever stop? To this day I have issues dealing with life because my head is so fucked up with anger. Yeah I know..."let it go"...you say. If it were only that easy.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to let things go and move on, if my father wasn't the same person even after he quit drinking. I'll just touch on a little something he did not too long ago, and you should have a idea of what I'm feeling like.
My parents came to visit my husband and I about 2 years ago (it was just after 9/11), at our house near the coast. We live very close to Monterey. Well that weekend, Monterey was having a Seafood Festival and Craft Fair thing going on. The night before we four went out to dinner and actually had a good time. I talked to my husband that night, and mentioned that the evening went well, and maybe it was time I was the bigger person, and told my dad I was proud of him to finally quit drinking, and smoking. The next afternoon changed everything. We all four went to lunch, hit the Craft Fair, and my mother noticed a man and woman selling NY Firefighter shirts, and whatnot. She really wanted a shirt that had that now famous picture of the firefighters putting up the flag at the World Trade Center location. I went with my mother to look at the shirts, and my father followed. My husband wandered to another stand. My mother decided to purchase a couple shirts, the lady put them in a bag, my mother gave the bag to my dad. The lady and my mom continued to do business, like exchanging money and stuff. I glance over at my dad, and thought I saw him snag a shirt. But wasn't 100% sure, so I let it go. We walk off.
About 2 minutes later, here comes the husband of the lady selling the shirts. He askes if he can look inside my parents bag. My dad refuses and says "why"? He says, "My wife just wants to make sure she gave you the right size"...he didn't want to accuse my father of stealing, but he had a good idea. My dad just replied with, "ohh they are fine, no problem". And that was that. We walk on, and I turn around and say, "what was that all about". My dad says, "ohhh I think I MIGHT have gotten a extra shirt". I pause for about 2 seconds...and say..."You THINK? don't bullshit me dad, you know you just took that shirt"....remind you a shirt that said GOD BLESS AMERICA on it. I just walked off in total discuss. I never brought it up again. He knows how I feel. The fucker. Or at least he should know. I truly doubt he cares.
Anyway, that day I lost what little respect I still had for him, or what respect I dug up from way way down. It's all gone now. I hate him with every ounce of my being. I've wished him dead many times. I had a dream once that he was shot in the head, everyone was crying....I walked up, saw he was shot....shrugged my shoulders and walked away. Maybe someday I can let it go, but for now I choose not to. I don't feel he deserves it. Yes I do...shit my brain if anything does....but it's a lot harder than one thinks.
Father's Day extra sucks for some close friends and myself, because someone very close to us was shot on that day. Killed with a bullet to his heart. Why? Cuz he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. No good damn reason really. The killer is still out there somewhere. Someday we hope it will be over, and they find the prick that killed Steve in 1996. Still miss you like crazy, you little shit!!
I wish all the true dad's out there a wonderful Father's Day!! I know your out there.....just wish you were mine.
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